How to get, and keep, customers

In this trying economic time, with so many people out of work, and so many companies closing their doors forever, it’s become important to get creative when it comes to getting, and keeping customers.  After contacting thriving companies in New York, Chicago, and Los Angeles, I have found four ways that these companies use to keep customers coming through their doors.

The first method has proved useful in most states, and in retail primarily, but can be risky as the Better Business Bureau might find out and have you shut down.  This method involves having a sale on all items in the store for ten dollars off.  The key is to hold the sale only after you raise the prices by 20 dollars.

The second method works best in New York as people would expect it.  Make sure the street is busy though.  Hire three or four body builder thugs, and have them drag people off the street into your business, where you can make them an offer they can’t refuse.

If you’re looking for a higher profile clientele, hire a call girl to seduce politicians, CEOs and bank presidents, and then blackmail them into doing business with you.  They will probably be thankful you’re not asking for hundreds of thousands of dollars per month, so you’ll be spared any legal action.

This last method is very dangerous because it could send you to jail for a very long time. It’s the same thing as destroying a deer’s habitat to force it to come to you.  You’re going to have to kill the competition.  I don’t mean literally, after all, your competitor can still be useful to you.  You just need to hire an arson expert to burn down or blow up his or her business while no one is there.  Hiring an expert will make sure it looks like an accident and take the heat off of you.  If you have multiple competitors, spread out the fires to draw attention away from the pattern you are no doubt creating.  Maybe start a controlled fire in your own business to clear you.

If you are not greedy to the point of carelessness, these methods can be highly effective in getting customers in the door, and keeping them.  If not, you can always build a dungeon with chains attached to the wall.

Challenge: Try adding good customer service to quality products to get and keep customers, and realize that it’s

APRIL FOOLS DAY!

Enjoy,
Allen
(Gottcha)

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